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The Pan's Retarded Observations (and other Epiphanies)
Sunday, June 29, 2014
A Dream Come True Part Two

The near hundredth empty day

making the millionth job search call

The deadline long gone

on local teachers for that fall.

But I'm not one to sit and just pray

I did the routine

just like every day

the only thing missing

was hope

after so many months--years of pain

and silence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The postings always changed

carrots always popping up

I'd always wanted to believe

persistence brings one's chances up

The next county over

was a mountain away.

The people who lived there 

 

would not have gone out of their way

Many believe the town I live in

has gone terribly astray.

It is a liberal pocket 

hosting ridiculous extremes

I had never met a neighbor from that county of dreams


So they had an ESL posting 

I applied anyway

What did I have to lose?

I had tried it all

 

By this time

though the practice

would usually take balls

I no longer cared

and made an inquiry call

The director picked up

What were the chances  ?

That my half-hearted spiel

'd end in thanks, smiles and dances?

She said "You're just what we need"

dedicated, not too strict, and meek

Now I'm in that district

So filled with joy 

I've hardly been able to speak.

That other, painful place in 2012-13

Where those with power

followed by those with too much fear

chose to make me wrong

The opposite is happening now

I nearly fell out!

They get along

with each other-and with me and said from the start how lucky

They are to have me

Just as I am- everyday

 nothing short of bliss

A dream that happened

better than ever imagined

a bridge of language, love, and innocence

Let there be a long time like this. :-)


Posted by thepan17 at 12:55 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Sunday, June 29, 2014 1:09 AM EDT
Thursday, April 17, 2014
A Dream Come True Part One

It turned out so much better than I had imagined. I got declined for the assistant job but discovered a vacancy for a second grade teacher  for a town with an even higher population of Spanish speaking students.  I had just taught that grade level and had learned so much.  The principal called me for a second interview (after her first choice fell through ) I aced it, and got ready to start anew in a place more suited to my purpose.  The school year was  about to start and I didn't want to assume, but given the circumstances, I had it in the bag and was the most qualified and aligned in objectives for that position.  Wrong!  That woman rejected my services a second time and didn't even bother to change the date on the letter.  As that was my last hope for a teaching job before the year began, compounded with the fact that it was now the 351st Ed related job I had applied for, compounded further that I had no savings, what's more, I was a perfect fit for the calling, I broke down right in front of my neighbor (whom I didn't really know ).   He did his best to verbally comfort me and I agreed not to give up. I later called the principal of that school and left a message asking for feedback.  Unlike with other places, I received no return call.  What in the world?


Posted by thepan17 at 10:53 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Thursday, April 17, 2014 10:58 PM EDT
Thursday, August 15, 2013
A Crossroads
Now Playing: "Asheville NU Radio" www.main-fm.org 8-12pm Thurs. nites

There have probably been 300 jobs I have been qualified for since I started looking in April when I was told I wouldn't be working in that elementary school in '13-'14.  I have applied for at least 50 of them. After all, I went back and got my elementary and ESL certifications, so that increased my chances exponentially. 

 I got called in for two interviews-Two in public schools with all these positions available.  I was laid off from my other job, so I was not let go through any fault of my own.

 I may have to take an assistant position even though I have many years' experience in classrooms and a highly qualified state status on my certificate.  They say it's political.  I just wish people would consider qualifications more. I saw so many relatives and non-teaching degree workers in these schools in the past year.  It was disheartening, but I never gave up.

 Something will help me end up where I am supposed to be.  That's what my team told me last school year although they did not want to see me go.

 

Now, within the last two days, I get presented with two choices on jobs.  One is closer to my dream (ESL assistant), but much farther from my home, and I am not sure we can afford a second car/the extra fuel, insurance, and the bills go on...

 

The other is just a regular assistant position with a reported master teacher, and it is a favorable grade-first.  This school is a seven minute drive from me.  Oh, the decisions.  Not that I'm complaining.  I pray to choose the best one for all involved.  I have to decide by next week I imagine.  

 

 

 

 


Posted by thepan17 at 8:35 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Friday, March 1, 2013
Tired of Barking Orders
Now Playing: "Asheville NU Radio"

As a second grade teacher, I am constantly telling these kids what to do.  I just hope it is focused on the right things.  I focus a lot on their behavior and it feels like that takes away from instructional time.  I know we can't have learning before the former.  It is so frustrating for me and I feel so disorganized.  I am sick of going back and forth--thinking of details to add last minute.  This is tiring and less efficient than it could be.

Some of this can be helped.  I know the drill now, and can be ready with back up plans for times when I need a high quality filler.  It seems like go, Go, GO!!!  How do I give pause for them to process while not allowing for goofing off?  I can't stand how several of them take opportunities to go off task and chit chat, play, or ask me irrelevant questions.

 

Thankfully, the main thing that they will remember is my care for them.  I remember no instruction from second grade--only my out of this world teacher.  Do I also give this to my students?  Many of them give me loving feedback, even after days of reprimand.  I still feel like a harping witch.  My second grade teacher was so much nicer.  Then again, we did our work, with maybe one kid who didn't do it well, but he still did it and didn't dare go off task.  My memories don't fail me, yet they do me no good.  I'm here now, with this group, and there it is.  

 

Thank goodness for this volunteer that comes in once a day.  I hate to admit a former prejudice, but I had no idea an eighty-something could be so on those kids and effective in getting them to practice.

 

For all the times I stand in confusion as someone goes in and shoots up a place, I also stand in awe at people like my grandparent volunteer, without whom I probably would have quit by now.

 

So, here was just some venting that I couldn't do under my real name, nor could I bring home for fear of being told to "leave the job" just because I don't always love it.  One day of this job is more than I could write down in one hundred entries. 

 

Next year will be much more effective, and I hear the group is a dreamboat.  It's weird how certain years' "crops of children" carry positivity and some, lots of loaded badness.

 

I look forward to better days while still enjoying some things about my dear devils now. I'll do what I can. Until next time.

 

 


Posted by thepan17 at 10:07 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Friday, March 1, 2013 10:18 PM EST
Friday, July 20, 2012
It Never Happened
Now Playing: "Avl Nu Radio"

Not that new job, not that self-forgiveness.  Why am I so hooked on "never"?  I know why-because I want to keep my heart far from things and people that aren't real.  Most aren't.

I know I gotta do my best anyway.  People and things don't know all of the above--least of all myself.

To me, TL is what is real.  He is a man who is not afraid to say what is wrong and who constantly considers others while refusing to smooth things over or go into a shell.  The more days that go by, the more I appreciate him in my life.  I love you, Tony Allen.


Posted by thepan17 at 8:10 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Starting a New Job tomorrow
Now Playing: Thirty-Three

It's about time.  What's it been this time--nine or ten months?  I wonder if I am stuck in the old ways, thinking traditional work is the only way to live.  There are so many other places to make a difference--in fact, almost all other places.

 But this is a stepping stone in my plan and it will keep us going I hope. 

 

I just don't know anything.  Would I be better off alone without having to worry about what someone else says?  I know sometimes my daily choices have not made a lot of sense--but I was so much more free feeling by myself in those days--yet so alone, and I just wonder.  I wish that I did not have certain thoughts. That feeling was right, but I will not abandon those memories one hundred percent--I guess in that way I am not defying that feeling as I had hoped to do, but rather just fulfilling the story even more accurately without having tried to do so. 

 

"Deep in thought I forgive everyone". Do I forgive myself?  That is the most important, most obvious, and most often the one forgotten.  I suppose I will make the best of things as always--but complaining is out-except to God-even if I were in great pain.

 

D


Posted by thepan17 at 9:02 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Friday, March 9, 2012
Our Lives are Not Our Own
But who am I? 


Posted by thepan17 at 8:03 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Friday, November 18, 2011
Don't want to stay in the same spot, but don't want to go off center
Nope.


Posted by thepan17 at 9:31 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Farewell
Mood:  cool

One last minute

In that space of heavenly but hellish scenery

that’s right for me to have

left

but not without my best

I chose a place most of the rest have

forsaken

in territory where money would and had to cease to be

As she reads and eagerly keeps me company

The very young girl sees every bug except that one that’s tiny

Flying haphazardly

Could it be?   Out of the corner of my eye?

If so, it would be

the first here for me!

Maybe I'm completely crazy

But I Could swear by

that very small but

regal beauty

She offers me bug spray to attack the wood bees

No thank you

Did that just happen? 

Could I have really seen

Just  flippin’ and  flappin’

Orange and black, but feels so green?

I’m certain now

They seem so zig-zag.

Now for real! They’re very keen


Posted by thepan17 at 11:33 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 11:38 PM EDT
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Last Hoo-rah
I want to earn some money on the side so I can do a winter weekend this year.  I'm not sure if it's because I want to learn snowboarding, or do I wish to be in nature, or do I just wish to socialize?  Probably none of the three.  Oh-I'm a lost cause.


Posted by thepan17 at 1:41 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Stupefied

Feeling more free with every interaction.  It's what all great art talks about---even words are a distraction.  He has this second set of eyes.  His happiness will be my final action. Tongue out


Posted by thepan17 at 5:46 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Thursday, June 7, 2007 5:48 PM EDT
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Late and Laptopping It--No parent to tell me to go to bed--once again--ooh but what fun it can be!!
Mood:  bright
I finally got back into my blog--my new laptop wouldn't allow me at first. Funny how, no matter how sophisticated I think I am, I still get renewed interest when something (this blog) disappears that I used to take for granted.

Since last month my knight and I unknowingly went to the one and only England of the Caribbean--It was a delightful surprise that we were almost too jaded to understand and fully appreciate. A few years in this tacky, comercialized, yet somehow dazzling Tri State Area has almost made me forget that paradise still exists externally in small corners--(maybe more?) of the earth. Get there when you can.


Posted by thepan17 at 12:39 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Tuesday, October 18, 2005 12:50 AM EDT
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Just Checking In
Mood:  not sure
It's September and autumn weather has not kicked in. Fine with me! It'll come soon enough. I am deeply happy that I discovered the website for Detroit Wu Style Tai Chi and Sifu is holding online classes! This motivates me to practice now for sure. When I started the classes, they said that Tai Chi can't be done alone. I didn't believe them until I came here and just couldn't get my butt off the couch.

Sifu has broken away from the international Wu style community, and although this probably takes away my chances to fulfill my childhood olympic dream, I would not give a second thought to leaving my teacher --and lately his split off has given me a sense of things being simpler and more comfortable(--or maybe less overwhelming?--) in the growing Metro Detroit throng of students--and in seeing an example for myself in Sifu, who, like any responsible person, has perhaps grown out of "living at home".

I am glad I have had the chance to travel to Asia and I wouldn't have changed the experience if I could. For a moment, on a cruise, I sat with the late Wu Tai Sin, whom (I had heard) in his later life, would only teach children. Although we could exchange no words, we shared a silent understanding. Rest in peace.


Posted by thepan17 at 6:24 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, October 24, 2005 7:06 PM EDT
Friday, September 2, 2005
Still Here
Mood:  don't ask
Hiya. Yeah--I skipped the month of August--SO?!?

Just wanted to let you know I'm still here.


Posted by thepan17 at 12:02 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Monday, July 4, 2005
Hiya
I'm an inconsistent git when it comes to journaling. Since I was eight, when I received my first diary--I waited long periods before writing for a short, yet faithful time. Can this be cured or is it the way it's supposed to be? Regardless--It's the way that I am---even if I kid myself--or maybe because I do.


Posted by thepan17 at 7:18 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, July 4, 2005 7:23 PM EDT
Saturday, April 30, 2005
It's Been a Long Time Coming
Mood:  a-ok
Hi. I'm not sure what to write now, and since I don't want to be talking about mundane current events, I go with a quiz that Mama sent me today on e-mail. Although the questions are usually about superficial things, they can be revealing about a person's core and they can be semi-fun to read. I like reading Miaka's blog because she does these quizzes every so often too and it is a quick and sometimes warm get-to-know-you type thing.

1. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Still Word Freak (I halted recently out of necessity really) and Decorating With Color (just looking at the pictures in this one)'cause like Mama, I'm moving next month!! he hehe! I also got pulled into How to Take Good Travel Pictures. It has delightful portrait from all over the world, from a time when there were still a lot of variations in culture (the book was published in the seventies) Come to think of it, I would love to get the Time Life 100 years or 50 years photos. book. Thanks again, L, for giving me the B & N gift certificate!--and a shout out to God (or the Barnes and Noble/Starbucks CEO {sometimes it's hard to tell which one is in control out the two-LOL} for making this weekend Teacher's appreciation discount books week.

2. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
10:30pm EST



3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Whole 2005 calendar and a Song logo. (Song is a slightly more creative airline branch of Delta that I would recommend)



4. BOARD GAME?

(Why, Scrabble! always, and more than ever, now)

5. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE?
Adbusters (and here I did an ad for Song in number 3!) "Colors" is also an intriguing mag.

6. BABIES?
maybes :) Not now, though!!!!

7. FAVOURITE SOUND?
An adult male speaking voice that is a tenor (the voice of Mickey Dolenz is one example)I also started liking corse male voices a couple of years ago.
My favorite sound might be tied with one I just heard for the first time tonight. It is a sound made when hitting a metal bowl with a wooden stick like object. This metal bowl was specially made to make this vibration and the most similar thing I can relate this experience to is hearing a tuning fork (sorry, I don't know which note it was) I not only heard the sound but also subtly felt it physically.


8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
helplessness (worst instance- seeing a dearest loved one suffer)



9. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING?
I want to sleep more (no matter how much I got!)



10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE
about 3

11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
Brendon--and the girl? (if I have one)maybe Lea or Leah, but I haven't discussed the girl's name with the one who would be the father!

12. FAVOURITE COLOUR?
sea green (Crayola crayons does a nice version of it-and that's when I first saw it--as a toddler)

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE?
growth--but I want to make the most important thing love, so I can work to change the priority

14. FAVOURITE FOOD?
either guacamole and chips or malted milkball ice cream--hard to choose


15. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
the pan flute



16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
only in rare bursting moments of getting this overwhelming free feeling on the highway (It has happened like twice or three times in my life) The other times it was driving fast out of purpose to get somewhere, but I've stopped doing that.



17. SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
no but Bozo, my clown, and Be-bo, his long lost and less travel-weary twin, is right on top of the bedroom TV.

18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?
neither

--but cool at first if they are snowstorms, because 1) it's pretty and 2) it allows me to go home early from work (SNOOOOOW DAYYYY!)

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
A Saturn (Uncle D. leased it with me and the service/price was so great I subsequently got two more!)

20. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?
I'd say Daddy but he came back to talk with me when I wanted, so I'll say Brian of Sterling Heights, my childhood companion who is probably still alive, but he moved away (he told me ahead of time but I didn't want to face it until I was older) and our friendship ceased because, being five, we didn't know how to long-distance network.

21. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
None. Don't even get me effin started!! I hate alcohol and all the other drugs with more passion than anything (unfortunately), not only because of it's bitter taste, but mostly because it is one of the most extreme examples of things on earth besides weapons that are tools for people to misspend their own lives, or little chunks of their lives at least, especially on the nights and weekends (the best, most sacred times).

At the same time, after writing even more violent rants about alcohol use (and to me, I call most alcohol use, ABUSE), I erased it because I can now write with most sincerity that in my anger and frustration on the subject a flood of clarity came to me as to why people do such things and how they did in a way not choose their faults, and how even the so-called worst really still mean to do their best. I guess you can call it a moment of compassion. I really want to understand addiction and probably by the grace of God I, in a split second, feel I have received some heart-felt reasons around it now. This is a bit of the movement toward the forgiveness I seek so that hating alcohol doesn't become MY drug!!

22. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
I don't even want to try to remember the long list of junk items in that trunk.LOL

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
yes

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The one I am in (a teacher to convicts), plus a playwright (which I plan on realizing in the near future) I also would love to combine the two disciplines to become a type of director of recreational performance art therapy. In this way With this job I could cover the James Redfield thing of melding both of my parents' talents. My Mama is the best caretaker I've met, and my Dad was awesome at making people feel special, being cheerful and celebrating with them/having fun.

As a museful gesture--throw in the photojournalism or filmin job that moves people to see their souls-in case I come accross it

Or an acting job in a role that is diginfied, yet moving--or one that allows another character to demonstrate such (but it looks like I cut off the acting possibilities a few years ago)

Lastly, I wouldn't mind singing again--I love it--especially when working with quirky yet very self-aware musicians and all artists


26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
I may be for the first time in my current relationship, and wish to fall in love with him over and over and more deeply than before

27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
half full

28. FAVOURITE MOVIE?
"Red" AKA "Trois Couleurs Rouge" by the late Krzysztof Kieslowski

29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
Yes, except the numbers and sometimes the period



30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Some of my overflowing books may have slipped under there

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER?

137

32. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Scrabble All Stars on ESPN

I know most will say it's not a sport, but I'm a pioneer! LOL Look at golf! LMAO (Sorry, Uncle Bob)

If you pin me down to a traditional sport, it's ice hockey--fast and furious

33. SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

Mama has great taste (especially in offspring! JK)


34. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE?
In some hot or warm springs nature site (probably impossible--they are all inside national parks, right?) where sulphur is not one of the elements. It would be a dome house running on solar energy and the running water would obviously be loooooovely and relaxing with all its minerals!!!.



35. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
my black disco jumpsuit---- or what I jokingly call my Bruce lee shirt (It is black and fitting with a white stripe going down each arm) I also like my green/gold sheen stretchy t-shirt and the sparkly silver/green shirt L got me a few Christmases ago.



36. BEACH, MOUNTAINS OR CITY?
All of them at different times--with equal pleasure if appropriate for the situation



37. TECHNOLOGY OR ART?
both, but if I had to choose, we would have to go back to "Flinstone" days in exchange for great art. (Whatever happened to the slogan "You gotta have art?" Worse, where has the concept gone in our society and schools/institutions?

38. COMEDY OR HORROR?
Comedy

39. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?

"thangs" (or at least that's one word for it)

(c'mon! Everything else (plus a couple of things more, MY gender has!--so how would anything else be both desireable and exclusive to the opposite sex?)


40. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY?
Evening

41. Last cd you bought?
The Tipping Point by the Roots
I also look forward to buying the next Chinese Happy work

42. Favorite place to be massaged?
my back



3. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?
heart, then mind, then body--but ideally all in balance for a healthful spirit

44. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
as late as possible--that's usually 8:15-8:30 am on work days--yes, I'm getting later and later- YIKES!

45. Favorite kitchen item?
blender or juicer--but I rarely use them :(!


46. What makes you really angry?
First is feeling that I have to put up with someone "acting a fool" (usually out of their arrogance or lack of self-discipline/self-care)I know that I don't usually have to watch or participate in it, but I sometimes forget and get hooked into the moment--it is a "show" after all--like the flood of reality TV shows as a public example--but worst of all, my real life when I react, annoyed and brought to near tears by my closest loved ones.

Second is malicious or self-serving gossip/lies (you will find that gossip and lies are one in the same because they never honor another's or one's own true self).

47. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
something in the middle--sorry to be difficult-it's the rebel in me :) Also, public transportation is my first choice if convenient.

In my fantasy world, it would be public ( I could read...:) ) transportation that didn't harm the environment our planet's residents in any way--

48. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Yes

49. YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON?
early summer



50. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
to fly--I already believe this is possible, but I haven't gotten a hold of Brian (another Brian whom I lost touch with after univeristy) I'm pretty sure he knows, and he may be willing and able to explain. Chances are he won't reveal where he is living. I last heard (a couple of years ago) he may have been in Chicago. He disappeared from all lists and databases and even cut contact with his seemingly closest friend and college roommate. This genius with whom I went to high school but never met there, and later, college (where we became great buddies) would be the other person from my past I'd like to talk with and check on too.

51. DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
If I do you wouldn't see it by looking, so HA!

52. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
only tasks at this time :)


53. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE DAY?
Either my 18th or my 16th birthdays. Day of the week?--Saturday.


54. WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Sushi, but I quit for fear of the evil and disgusting tapeworm. YUCK! Also--darn you to Gary Null for frightening me on his health radio show-if he's wrong I will have missed out big time!!!

56. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM?
Mama

57. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON?
the Simpsons or King of the Hill, but I don't make it a point to watch them, so I've gone off cartoons I guess.

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MEAL?

Mama's (and formerly Grandma's) Tacos--
they come from my dad's side of the family and are known for their unusual ingredient which gives them the best flavor!

59. IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE?

1)The Sequoyah trees in California

2)The Swiss Alps in winter
3)The Swiss Alps in summer--again:)

4)Also, I would take the one I'm doing in May. This is choice one really but since it is coming to fruition I don't have to list it as a wish!!!!!!--I'm looking forward to it a lot!!! Yippeeeeeeeee! :)Ok somebody stop me before I make you all sick.

60. DO YOU HAVE PETS?
No, but I love all living beings--even mean ones--but I love those from afar--That reminds me--I have to find a way to love Jose...


Well, if I can't, at least it rhymes


Posted by thepan17 at 12:37 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Saturday, November 19, 2005 6:24 PM EST
Monday, April 11, 2005
Nothing Much Today
Went to work today to find that Internal Affairs did their routine, yearly surprise drop in to have their dogs search for illegal substances in the building. They also used their sophisticated, finger shaped vacuum cleaner that is hooked into a computer to test the guys' hands for traces of drugs.

For me, this meant an opportunity for no work. Following my boss's instructions to go to the front office with a bit too much glee, I made it a mission to see if I could go the entire day without working or doing one thing for the residents. This has not happened in my near three years on the job.

MISSION SUCCESSFUL!

I darn near had to abort mission, though, when Big Daddy, new to his job search, looked in my direction as I tried to dart out of the lecture hall into the corridor toward my classroom,

-----Ms. P. Do you have a newspaper?

------------------------ I wish I did.

I said that in truth, but didn't elaborate LOL. I really would have liked to have the New York Times so I could for the first time try the daily Scrabble puzzle.


In the first half of the day I pretended to pay minimal attention other staff in the Program Activities office, and, to my great delight, got to read the first few chapters of "Word Freak" by Stefan Fatsis. I just got the book last night while I was supposed to be studying-he he~!

Just before lunch, Ms. S. had an educational crisis when the oh-so-inoffensive and friendly Ms. A accidentally lost her college paper on the computer. Ms. A, P and I tried to recover it, but only got the first paragraph out of two. I reassured Ms. S. that she had just been initiated into the ranks of full fledged college students, none of whom have escaped the disappearing paper. After attempting everything I knew possible to retrieve it, I shared my inkling that maybe it was supposed to go this way because the second draft would be even better. Ms. S. was ready to have another go at it. She said my outline and questions to her were helpful. It felt good to do something for the staff for once. I hardly see them.

We had Chinese delivery for lunch, and P and I discussed the Praxis (NJ educators' exam)and her future as a teacher. Ms. S. ate the Chinese with us, and this time there were no food complaints.

Then I retreated to the blind spot corner of my little classroom, used the low lighting, and read chapter 21 in my boring textbook. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to read nine pages, but most of the review questions weren't too hard afterward. Thank goodness I can do any of the math that they will throw at me (at least my teaching of the GED stuff didn't go to total waste). That might offset my sucky law knowledge.

The residents had lecture, recreation, and a house meeting, so this allowed for some precious quiet time in my little dark corner, but I still put in some earplugs I found in my bag. Although my room is closed off, I can always hear several of the residents singing loudly (and it's too bad most of them don't have day jobs) or blabbering to each other.

As a personal reward, during the last 15 minutes of work I read another chapter of "Word Freak", which, funny enough, includes a real life character who is a person that lately I've been thinking of and admiring (in an intellectual kind-a way) ever since I saw the documentary, "Word Wars" on the Discovery Times channel. He is Joel Sherman (AKA GI Joel), the winner of the Scrabble tournament in the documentary, and in the film he said that he heads an NYC chapter of the National Scrabble Association.. The guy, who is a self-proclaimed wimp, really does seem frail and unassuming. I could never hold a candle to his skill, even if I studied words and played my best strategy for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if I'll go meet him, but if I do I would feel honored. I am intrigued by the way his life has arranged itself like a decent set of tiles on the rack, placed in such a way that his best play is possible. He lost his mom at a young age, and she had gotten him into Scrabble. Later, he had a series of minor ailments that he used as reasons to play more and get good at the game. He found something to excel in, even if, to most Americans it is just a board game. Not caring what people thought about his use of time or lack of material riches, he did what he wanted and probably to this day has not waivered. He disciplined himself to learn words like zabajone and veinulet(to name a couple out of a hundred thousand!) The guy plays the game everyday, not just because he can, but it appears, because he can't not.

Although what he has chosen has not directly helped others, I admire that kind of dedication, and still wonder if my life is also formulated to lead me to my passion.

I am not proud of my "work" mission today. I just found it slightly amusing.


Posted by thepan17 at 7:25 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Tuesday, April 12, 2005 9:02 AM EDT
Monday, April 4, 2005
Time---ing is Every Thing
As we pass into the routine daylight savings mode, the American world (and soon, the rest of the world) not only goes into a mass jetlag, but it also agrees that time changes-just like that.

If they can agree to move the hour one forward, why can't they open their minds to know that there is no such thing as an hour?

Okay, so maybe there is, but only because we make it so by saying, this blob of experience from when the big "ball" on which we live rotates once on it's axis (or doesn't it?) consists of exactly 24 hours and those hours consist of sixty minutes each, and so on.

This is an oh-so accrurate measurement-not. If it were, why would we have to cut the world a whole day (leap year day) every century? Correct me if I'm wrong here.

So this raises the question which countless mystics and scientists who had any sense (or maybe went beyond the senses?) asked. Does time exist?

Only according to the value we assign to it. This also applies to everything in your life.

To change your life, change your idea of it-believe in your core that miracles can happen-and if you can't muster that, believe that at least the envelope can be pushed. You've seen it demonstrated physically in ever increasing Olympic world records, people with memories like encyclopedias (like the real "rainman" and the newly known, functional Daniel T. of England) and mathmeticians who can mentally calculate to more decimal places than a calculator (again, Daniel T., plus a twelve-year-old Japanese abacus student in Tokyo)

It works for the unwavering of faith, the so-called saints and the visionaries, prophets, (unfortunately) the tyrants, and the other most amazing acheivers in the world. We are all so (also). We just don't stand out until we know it and show it.




You say, that can't be me, right? And in doing so, others agree because they see your display giving away belief in your own mediocracy. They see mine too. It is the worst crime against humanity to not follow your best way--but don't sweat it. You're going there whether you like it or not. You can take the long way or the curved course, or the shortcut. The shortcut is not really one because it ends up taking longer.

This post really was written for myself.


Posted by thepan17 at 9:04 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, April 4, 2005 12:36 PM EDT
Sunday, April 3, 2005
Climbing
Today is very much a Sunday. It is very overcast here in the NYC area, and filled with time in which I want to get a lot done. I will be working a lot more here today than I will if I am at work! LOL I wish to cook, study, clean my room,do filing, do laundry, prepare a bag of clothes for charity, and clean that disaster of a bathroom. My knight went with me on a quest to find furniture covers to hide the hideous beige with pink flowers!! At least our living room is showing some excitement after a few years.

On another positive note, my guy and I watched a DVD titled, What the Bleep Do We know? It was thought provoking and it reminded me of a BBC presentation on parallel universes. The story was almost plotless, but it was still worth watching for the ideas that blow our minds--it was like science where it gets to the point that it no longer follows what we consider logical. Watch out, Newton! Your laws are about to be built into the base of the skyscaper!


Posted by thepan17 at 3:45 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Wednesday, March 22, 2006 6:23 PM EST
Saturday, April 2, 2005
The Greatest American Time Waster
Mood:  down
Now Playing: nothing
I am disgusted right now by my cluttered life. This is reflected where I live. While unwanted clothes and papers make my room a big waste dump, a longing for soft, yet firm movement and words unknown to the general public swim through my head. Through, not in. My knight rides up and talks to me, taking me away from this rainy day in my mind, The weather is even agreeing with my angst today. I love my knight more than I can describe. I also hate him and envy his sense of purpose. Later--his fear reaches up and turns on my sensitive soul. Funny enough, I will find what it is that my path dictates. I just wish it weren't so late.


Posted by thepan17 at 1:31 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Sunday, April 3, 2005 3:32 PM EST

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