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The Pan's Retarded Observations (and other Epiphanies)
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The Pan's Retarded Observations (and other Epiphanies)
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Vivid Dreams
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "Mercy" by Muse

Some time ago I had this dream that was so sad to me I couldn't even write privately in this blog about it.  Sifu was there, and it seemed so real.  It probably was (or a great projection of the connection I have had with myself in regards to him), as he has now been gone for nearly three years.  I hope he spends most of his time enjoying himself in the Jade palace, as they have informed me he has been able to be included. To learn this from Mike via instant message was such a surprise to me, with Sifu and Mike having split off the school from the Wu family.  

There was a time that my loyalty to my second teacher, Sifu, would never have waivered.  I however, a few years ago, felt there was no other choice but to declare to myself (and probably, to the community ) that I would go back with my original teacher and leave Sifu's school.  The reason I told myself was that to stay with the Wu Academy would keep me closer to family, as I see them.  My two friends have been there with me since the start.  We are still close. To me, they are family. They felt more at home with our first, other Sifu in her school.  That was the deciding factor that I could live with.

The other sifu at the Wu Academy may not have accepted me back.  She had never seemed to believe in me in my past.  In Asia, way back in late 90's, she was not hesitant to judge me for a party animal when I would go out late to explore with friends, even once with Paul.  Hell, I can hardly blame her.  What is it going to look like when one goes parasailing in Pataya Beach and then out in Bangkok for half the night?  I never drank then and still haven't now, but Sifu didn't know that.  She had even one time, privately, after having kicked me out of her school and then letting me into her office a couple weeks later ,half admitted to being a partier in her distant youth, saying that without training, she "would have died".  She really took the art form to heart.  'Til this day, from what I gather, it is her life.  

 We always think others are doing what we ourselves have done.  It really frustrated me back then and still maybe does now that Sifu thought I was a loose, party animal.  I know that the one who his now the Grandmaster had stories circulating that he was previously "playboy and gambler" and that he ended up overcoming that in order to teach the art form, so highly beneficial as water, to so many throughout the world.  Now we can look back and see that he has fulfilled and is continuing to carry out the plan of his father and ancestors.  Just one generation before, the form never would have been shared with "white devils", as Westerners were called.

 Paul may have been interested in me that night in Bangkok, and I didn't have anyone steady (the one I really wanted, Mike, hadn't called), so, because he was attractive and nice to talk to, I was half looking at him.  Still, I didn't have the nerve to even ask for any attention at the end of that night, and he must not have felt it appropriate to ask me to his room, to my relief.  I just didn't want to give off that vibe.  Sifu saw me in the bathroom the next day and she asked how my night went.  I was non specific, but let her know I went out in Bangkok with Paul.  She must have assumed things happened that did really did not happen.


So, I have been upset with that sifu for awhile, because although she was right about seeing me as childish, I was more childlike back then than anything, and she was wrong in her assumptions.  She took me back into her school in the 90s when I explained to her that it was a true workout going to her classes, and that I appreciated all the information that she so passionately shared. She also didn't know much what to say when I asked her, Doesn't that book you go by say one should be like a child?  Things kind of went okay from there, because she married Sifu and he became my teacher after that.  He was always fair with me and almost kind. My friends, who left his school, could not say the same, but that had no affect on my reception of him. Sifu wanted to offer me words of praise at the Pan Am Games when he seemed not to be able to hold his surprise at my endurance in sparring wth someone many years my senior.  That is a moment I will always remember selfishly, but fondly.  I will also remember when it was certain I would be moving to Hudson County, and he said I would be missed.  He never talked like that.  He even showed me things to help myself, need be.  His trainings were a gift I will not ever stop honoring.  Also, I still haven't approached my first sifu to ask if I can study again with her-- long distance.

After I moved, I visited my second sifu's branched-off school a few times and a moment I look back on with surprise until this day is him telling me my level had not dropped despite many years away. He gave me the uniform school sweatshirt during one visit and I still have it.   He even asked me to come to a martial arts disciples' class one time, even though I had not gone through the formalities. 


A few years ago, despite all that,  I still decided, at least in my mind, to go back to the other sifu.  She and my second sifu had divorced many years prior. Still, family was there and we were always instructed:1) family, 2)work, and then, the art form.  Perhaps, though, I was being selfish to decide to leave his school.  Maybe I also wanted to maintain international connections. There may have been another reason. Mike was his right hand man, and Mike never pursued me like I had wished back in the late nineties.  Why should I have kept going somewhere to see someone who I wanted but wouldn't have?  Oftentimes, Mike would give classes.  It would have been too painful at the time.  I'm not sure Sifu was ever aware of my feelings for Mike, nor Mike's choice to entertain me for a short time in the past.


During my second trip to Asia, Mike was able to afford the trip too.  His mom was there and all. We were in a large group, and my two family- friends were with us.  It was a decent time.

By that trip, I had felt I had gotten over that whole idea of Mike and me, and besides, I had gotten engaged to Jason, and was about to move to be with him.   All of a sudden, Mike suprised me on the dance floor by asking if I wanted him to "shake my booty".  I was taken aback by my feelings and couldn't answer, so I just ran off.  It's a good thing I was able to keep my head on at least somewhat straight. I was about to move, and even though Mike threw me for a loop, I kept remembering the time I saw him back with Sandy when my friends and I were about to go out dancing. Mike had made sure not to mislead me to think he would take it further, and I know he liked me, but now I think he was insecure about not having had much money.  I didn't care. I had enough of my own back then.  He didn't see that, or-if he did, maybe it didn't matter.  Maybe he just missed Sandy.  He did have a much longer history with her.  He told me in so many words that she wanted someone with money though, and I think that was why he couldn't justify staying with her, despite having seen her for some years.  He probably assumed I was like Sandy, wanting more and more.  I didn't make enough effort to show him that I earned a living just fine.  I could have even carried him for awhile.  Had he stuck with me, and had he taken the training path he is on today, we would have been very compatible and effective teachers of the art form in the area.


After the dance floor moment, my running placed me, to my surprise up right in front of Sandy's cabin--this was by chance, as I didn't know which one she was in.  My friends were there too. Sandy was at the door with it half open. I must have made a remark about how disappointing guys could be.  Sandy joked, "I think I'm going to become a nun".  I couldn't have agreed more.

So, Sifu died in '13 before I had the guts and opportunity to declare that I would be returning, although from a distance, to my first teacher and her school.  He probably would've been hurt by that, and he probably would've thought my skill would have been compromised.  

When he died, I had already moved to where I am now, and I was stuggling a lot in that year with my job where I eventually and essentially would get sacked .  Mike, for the first time in years, contacted me by instant messaging me on FB, and confirmed the public announcement for me, on top of all the tragedy that year , that Sifu had had a heart attack and passed quickly.  I was used to tears by then.  It was not shameful to tell Mike how much I was crying.  I really felt for Mike that night, and not selfishly.  He and Sifu were observed to be best friends for years. He admitted that he was crying too.

Mike had previously married a woman that my friends told me he was always beside after I moved, but when they would tell me this over time, the really thought she was a nun.  (LOL)  

I didn't have any intention of talking to Mike after that night of the instant messaging, but gave my regards and regrets that I would not be able to attend Sifu's funeral.  I was hurting so bad from that and other events that felt so horrible.  Mike must have sensed it, although I don't know how, as that was the first time we'd talked in years.  These difficult, personal things in my life were not advertised on FB either.  Mike typed "Hang in There".  How did he know?  That really helped.  He also described how he had to now be the head of the school and he expressed some fears about having to do this.  I said I knew he could do it.  He did add that the information was starting to "pour out" of him. I figured that the ancestors were and are doing what they do best. We ended the conversation and haven't said anything since.  He closed with, "You know, we all love you".  I didn't know how to respond.  So after a moment, I typed, "I love you all too".  We haven't chatted since.  I wouldn't want to interfere in a married man's life, given that I am aware of it.  I have no desire to anyway.  He didn't choose me. Last but not least, I have been with TL since '08.

So, maybe a year after that, I saw Sifu in a dream.  I wanted to go up to him and called out to him.  He just had a disappointed look on his face, turned and walked away. The alley was dark.  The dream was so sad that I couldn't even write about it until today.  I didn't admit to myself that maybe Sifu, even though on the other side, knew I was leaving his school. What was I supposed to do, Sifu?  Go in front of Mike again ?  I'm not sure if Sifu ever knew that Mike paid me some attention and that we spent some close time together a few times way back.  We were always so busy training.  The school was no place to discuss social stuff nor get too involved in relationships.  Sifu was so embarrassed to have fallen in love with my other sifu, because at the time, as he would many years later recount to us, she was a student of his.  He would talk about that and how it wasn't the thing to do, nor the reason to train.  They married, so it all turned out okay, and her seriousness toward the art form seemed even more intense than his.   It is no wonder she opened up a school at our now, Grandmaster's urging.  It is also no wonder that her school still thrives and that there are disciples coming from there, and maybe not too far in the future, even more.  My friends agreed to ask Sifu for me if I could return as her student, abeit, long distance, as I have no intention to move back home.  Still, I don't think my friends have gone back to class much in a few years.  It is okay.  I don't feel like I've brushed up enough, and besides, I couldn't offer Li see right now as a thank you for her guidance.  I don't have any red envelopes since I moved here.  Things just aren't nearly as abundant anymore.  This is frustrating, as I've now been here for nearly eight years.  Now I understand how Mike may have felt. One day, though, he said he decided to give up poverty. Eventually, he did get out of it.  Anyone can do it.  I have everything I need, but I deserve more.  Travelling to see my Mama when I please would be great. She is suffering to see me so seldom, and she is no spring chicken. Eating healthier foods would be beneficial too. Okay- I'll say that I'm still a dessert freak.  Wouldn't some fancy ones be tasty? Ha ha! Worst of all, as much as I haven't wanted to face it, a second car is in order. Not sure how I'm going to pay extra mileage racking up on my lease.  Right now, I just don't know how another car will happen.

 I would also like to buy materals for my students (who are way worse off than I am) beyond the little 150 I get per year from the school.  This sucks, but I know I can turn it around.  TL is getting some gigs too and is not satisfied with just a little.  He can help. 

Now, the good news.  A couple of nights ago, I was with Sifu again.  This time, I wonder if we were outside the Jade Palace?  There was a game there, kind of like Mah Jong, as now, I remember in my waking life, is always kept in a school of martial arts.  It makes it official in a sort of way.  I begged Sifu to play, as I felt it was like my favorite word game.  He reluctantly played a bit, and I don't think I played as much and as well as I would have liked.  This is a reflection of how I am not training nearly as often or as effectively as I would like.  I haven't for years and years, even when Sifu said my level hadn't dropped.  What kind of discipline is this?  I must forgive myself and keep going from here, though.  Then, I can honor what Sifu has done for me and enrich my own life, hopefully having enough spill over for others.  At least, he interacted with me this time, and it is clear that my choice is not to reject him as my teacher.  That was never my goal.  Of course, it is convenient that the Grandmaster's family decided to make amends and reunify with his school and put Sifu on the table, naming him a master of their branch of Wu Style Tai Chi Chuan.  He is the first Westerner (and only one so far ) to ever have disciples in his school, what's more- to be named that.  His dedication to the art form and to his students was unwaivering.  It is convenient for me to return to him and visit.  For this reason, I don't claim to be corageous.  It is nice to neither be a traitor of sorts by returning to my other Sifu's school if I decide to officially do that eventually.  It's not like I was named Sifu's martial arts disciple.  My friends were, but the first sifu still accepted them back into her school.  My path was different.  The one who is now the head of the family told me in front of Sifu (his own disciple) right before I moved to NJ that when I started a school, then I would make discipleship.  I never let myself think about what that meant.  They didn't ask the same of my friends.  I realize now that they must have thought I was the one to do it.  Me?  

 I now see that maybe that is why strangers would periodically come up to me asking to train with me. This even happened once years ago in a grocery store in NJ.  In recent months, this kid from a coffee shop near where I work was really gung-ho on asking me to show him some stuff. He soaked up those warm-ups like no one I had ever seen.  He told me his back was feeling so much better because of it, and wanted more.  I wasn't sure about the time dedicaton.  He recently moved, so that is on hold, giving me time to "get it together".  Maybe, in that small town, with some of the connections available, there is an extra room to start giving classes some nights, or maybe I can start small and teach one class at the recreation center.  This is the first time I've said this to myself in words.

This is way too long and still ongoing.  I had to get these things off my chest before Monday, as Sifu always taught us to let go of past resentments before the year turns.  I have to clean this place too, and get rid of things I don't use.   My friends say that our first sifu, the one who may still think I'm wild, has "mellowed out" over the years, and I am letting go of this resentment.   Most of all, we come to self- forgiveness for the umpteenth time.  I have to let go of all my self- hatred for falling for these Mikes.  It may not have served matters much, but, however clichéd this sounds, the heart could not make such choices.  Here, I will start by accepting my shortcomings and in that, not letting them define me.  Maybe I will even train once in a while.   


Posted by thepan17 at 1:22 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Thursday, March 3, 2016 11:01 AM EST
Monday, June 22, 2015
"Medio Mexicano" por poeta laureado, Juan Felipe Herrera

What an understatement- that it's been on my soul. 




Posted by thepan17 at 6:44 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, June 22, 2015 6:46 PM EDT
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Initiating Self Forgiveness Sequence
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Stank Free Radio

Erasure of unuseful feelings has commenced- 2-2015 and 4-26-15 10:05:51. Notes on 5-23 : Must try another way.

Switching illusory thoughts and asking for the clearing of old patterns-in the continuous now. 

Acceptance of my current timeline begins.

I hope the angels aren't disappointed by my recent, prolonged and past relapse. I don't have to hope.  Hope is stupid.  This is possible.



Posted by thepan17 at 12:01 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Thursday, March 3, 2016 10:18 AM EST
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
12 Monkeys
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Starlight by Muse
The first season kept my attention.  The finale was a bit anti-climactic though.  It might have been good if they would have made like England and done just one season.  It could have had more impact. The movie was quite different, but they had to update it, and at least there were more twists and spirals of time and events in this series. I will still watch the second season, hoping Cole can make it back to 2043 with Ramse.  I wonder if the young Cole will grow up and loop back through, this time with Reilly as an advisor.  Maybe she has unwittingly been the witness all along. The more important question that will stay with me is this- Is hope only the luxury of those unburdened by fate?

Posted by thepan17 at 10:38 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Saturday, June 6, 2015 4:23 PM EDT
Sunday, June 29, 2014
A Dream Come True Part Two

The near hundredth empty day

making the millionth job search call

The deadline long gone

on local teachers for that fall.

But I'm not one to sit and just pray

I did the routine

just like every day

the only thing missing

was hope

after so many months--years of pain

and silence.











The postings always changed

carrots always popping up

I'd always wanted to believe

persistence brings one's chances up

The next county over

was a mountain away.

The people who lived there 


would not have gone out of their way

Many believe the town I live in

has gone terribly astray.

It is a liberal pocket 

hosting ridiculous extremes

I had never met a neighbor from that county of dreams

So they had an ESL posting 

I applied anyway

What did I have to lose?

I had tried it all


By this time

though the practice

would usually take balls

I no longer cared

and made an inquiry call

The director picked up

What were the chances  ?

That my half-hearted spiel

'd end in thanks, smiles and dances?

She said "You're just what we need"

dedicated, not too strict, and meek

Now I'm in that district

So filled with joy 

I've hardly been able to speak.

That other, painful place in 2012-13

Where those with power

followed by those with too much fear

chose to make me wrong

The opposite is happening now

I nearly fell out!

They get along

with each other-and with me and said from the start how lucky

They are to have me

Just as I am- everyday

 nothing short of bliss

A dream that happened

better than ever imagined

a bridge of language, love, and innocence

Let there be a long time like this. :-)

Posted by thepan17 at 12:55 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Sunday, June 29, 2014 1:09 AM EDT
Thursday, April 17, 2014
A Dream Come True Part One

It turned out so much better than I had imagined. I got declined for the assistant job but discovered a vacancy for a second grade teacher  for a town with an even higher population of Spanish speaking students.  I had just taught that grade level and had learned so much.  The principal called me for a second interview (after her first choice fell through ) I aced it, and got ready to start anew in a place more suited to my purpose.  The school year was  about to start and I didn't want to assume, but given the circumstances, I had it in the bag and was the most qualified and aligned in objectives for that position.  Wrong!  That woman rejected my services a second time and didn't even bother to change the date on the letter.  As that was my last hope for a teaching job before the year began, compounded with the fact that it was now the 351st Ed related job I had applied for, compounded further that I had no savings, what's more, I was a perfect fit for the calling, I broke down right in front of my neighbor (whom I didn't really know ).   He did his best to verbally comfort me and I agreed not to give up. I later called the principal of that school and left a message asking for feedback.  Unlike with other places, I received no return call.  What in the world?

Posted by thepan17 at 10:53 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Thursday, April 17, 2014 10:58 PM EDT
Thursday, August 15, 2013
A Crossroads
Now Playing: "Asheville NU Radio" 8-12pm Thurs. nites

There have probably been 300 jobs I have been qualified for since I started looking in April when I was told I wouldn't be working in that elementary school in '13-'14.  I have applied for at least 50 of them. After all, I went back and got my elementary and ESL certifications, so that increased my chances exponentially. 

 I got called in for two interviews-Two in public schools with all these positions available.  I was laid off from my other job, so I was not let go through any fault of my own.

 I may have to take an assistant position even though I have many years' experience in classrooms and a highly qualified state status on my certificate.  They say it's political.  I just wish people would consider qualifications more. I saw so many relatives and non-teaching degree workers in these schools in the past year.  It was disheartening, but I never gave up.

 Something will help me end up where I am supposed to be.  That's what my team told me last school year although they did not want to see me go.


Now, within the last two days, I get presented with two choices on jobs.  One is closer to my dream (ESL assistant), but much farther from my home, and I am not sure we can afford a second car/the extra fuel, insurance, and the bills go on...


The other is just a regular assistant position with a reported master teacher, and it is a favorable grade-first.  This school is a seven minute drive from me.  Oh, the decisions.  Not that I'm complaining.  I pray to choose the best one for all involved.  I have to decide by next week I imagine.  





Posted by thepan17 at 8:35 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Friday, March 1, 2013
Tired of Barking Orders
Now Playing: "Asheville NU Radio"

As a second grade teacher, I am constantly telling these kids what to do.  I just hope it is focused on the right things.  I focus a lot on their behavior and it feels like that takes away from instructional time.  I know we can't have learning before the former.  It is so frustrating for me and I feel so disorganized.  I am sick of going back and forth--thinking of details to add last minute.  This is tiring and less efficient than it could be.

Some of this can be helped.  I know the drill now, and can be ready with back up plans for times when I need a high quality filler.  It seems like go, Go, GO!!!  How do I give pause for them to process while not allowing for goofing off?  I can't stand how several of them take opportunities to go off task and chit chat, play, or ask me irrelevant questions.


Thankfully, the main thing that they will remember is my care for them.  I remember no instruction from second grade--only my out of this world teacher.  Do I also give this to my students?  Many of them give me loving feedback, even after days of reprimand.  I still feel like a harping witch.  My second grade teacher was so much nicer.  Then again, we did our work, with maybe one kid who didn't do it well, but he still did it and didn't dare go off task.  My memories don't fail me, yet they do me no good.  I'm here now, with this group, and there it is.  


Thank goodness for this volunteer that comes in once a day.  I hate to admit a former prejudice, but I had no idea an eighty-something could be so on those kids and effective in getting them to practice.


For all the times I stand in confusion as someone goes in and shoots up a place, I also stand in awe at people like my grandparent volunteer, without whom I probably would have quit by now.


So, here was just some venting that I couldn't do under my real name, nor could I bring home for fear of being told to "leave the job" just because I don't always love it.  One day of this job is more than I could write down in one hundred entries. 


Next year will be much more effective, and I hear the group is a dreamboat.  It's weird how certain years' "crops of children" carry positivity and some, lots of loaded badness.


I look forward to better days while still enjoying some things about my dear devils now. I'll do what I can. Until next time.



Posted by thepan17 at 10:07 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Friday, March 1, 2013 10:18 PM EST
Friday, July 20, 2012
It Never Happened
Now Playing: "Avl Nu Radio"

Not that new job, not that self-forgiveness.  Why am I so hooked on "never"?  I know why-because I want to keep my heart far from things and people that aren't real.  Most aren't.

I know I gotta do my best anyway.  People and things don't know all of the above--least of all myself.

To me, TL is what is real.  He is a man who is not afraid to say what is wrong and who constantly considers others while refusing to smooth things over or go into a shell.  The more days that go by, the more I appreciate him in my life.  I love you, Tony Allen.

Posted by thepan17 at 8:10 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Starting a New Job tomorrow
Now Playing: Thirty-Three

It's about time.  What's it been this time--nine or ten months?  I wonder if I am stuck in the old ways, thinking traditional work is the only way to live.  There are so many other places to make a difference--in fact, almost all other places.

 But this is a stepping stone in my plan and it will keep us going I hope. 


I just don't know anything.  Would I be better off alone without having to worry about what someone else says?  I know sometimes my daily choices have not made a lot of sense--but I was so much more free feeling by myself in those days--yet so alone, and I just wonder.  I wish that I did not have certain thoughts. That feeling was right, but I will not abandon those memories one hundred percent--I guess in that way I am not defying that feeling as I had hoped to do, but rather just fulfilling the story even more accurately without having tried to do so. 


"Deep in thought I forgive everyone". Do I forgive myself?  That is the most important, most obvious, and most often the one forgotten.  I suppose I will make the best of things as always--but complaining is out-except to God-even if I were in great pain.



Posted by thepan17 at 9:02 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Friday, March 9, 2012
Our Lives are Not Our Own
But who am I? 

Posted by thepan17 at 8:03 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Friday, November 18, 2011
Don't want to stay in the same spot, but don't want to go off center

Posted by thepan17 at 9:31 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Mood:  cool

One last minute

In that space of heavenly but hellish scenery

that’s right for me to have


but not without my best

I chose a place most of the rest have


in territory where money would and had to cease to be

As she reads and eagerly keeps me company

The very young girl sees every bug except that one that’s tiny

Flying haphazardly

Could it be?   Out of the corner of my eye?

If so, it would be

the first here for me!

Maybe I'm completely crazy

But I Could swear by

that very small but

regal beauty

She offers me bug spray to attack the wood bees

No thank you

Did that just happen? 

Could I have really seen

Just  flippin’ and  flappin’

Orange and black, but feels so green?

I’m certain now

They seem so zig-zag.

Now for real! They’re very keen

Posted by thepan17 at 11:33 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Wednesday, June 30, 2010 11:38 PM EDT
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Last Hoo-rah
I want to earn some money on the side so I can do a winter weekend this year.  I'm not sure if it's because I want to learn snowboarding, or do I wish to be in nature, or do I just wish to socialize?  Probably none of the three.  Oh-I'm a lost cause.

Posted by thepan17 at 1:41 PM EST | Post Comment | Permalink
Thursday, June 7, 2007

Feeling more free with every interaction.  It's what all great art talks about---even words are a distraction.  He has this second set of eyes.  His happiness will be my final action. Tongue out

Posted by thepan17 at 5:46 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Thursday, June 7, 2007 5:48 PM EDT
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Late and Laptopping It--No parent to tell me to go to bed--once again--ooh but what fun it can be!!
Mood:  bright
I finally got back into my blog--my new laptop wouldn't allow me at first. Funny how, no matter how sophisticated I think I am, I still get renewed interest when something (this blog) disappears that I used to take for granted.

Since last month my knight and I unknowingly went to the one and only England of the Caribbean--It was a delightful surprise that we were almost too jaded to understand and fully appreciate. A few years in this tacky, comercialized, yet somehow dazzling Tri State Area has almost made me forget that paradise still exists externally in small corners--(maybe more?) of the earth. Get there when you can.

Posted by thepan17 at 12:39 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Tuesday, October 18, 2005 12:50 AM EDT
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Just Checking In
Mood:  not sure
It's September and autumn weather has not kicked in. Fine with me! It'll come soon enough. I am deeply happy that I discovered the website for Detroit Wu Style Tai Chi and Sifu is holding online classes! This motivates me to practice now for sure. When I started the classes, they said that Tai Chi can't be done alone. I didn't believe them until I came here and just couldn't get my butt off the couch.

Sifu has broken away from the international Wu style community, and although this probably takes away my chances to fulfill my childhood olympic dream, I would not give a second thought to leaving my teacher --and lately his split off has given me a sense of things being simpler and more comfortable(--or maybe less overwhelming?--) in the growing Metro Detroit throng of students--and in seeing an example for myself in Sifu, who, like any responsible person, has perhaps grown out of "living at home".

I am glad I have had the chance to travel to Asia and I wouldn't have changed the experience if I could. For a moment, on a cruise, I sat with the late Wu Tai Sin, whom (I had heard) in his later life, would only teach children. Although we could exchange no words, we shared a silent understanding. Rest in peace.

Posted by thepan17 at 6:24 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, October 24, 2005 7:06 PM EDT
Friday, September 2, 2005
Still Here
Mood:  don't ask
Hiya. Yeah--I skipped the month of August--SO?!?

Just wanted to let you know I'm still here.

Posted by thepan17 at 12:02 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Monday, July 4, 2005
I'm an inconsistent git when it comes to journaling. Since I was eight, when I received my first diary--I waited long periods before writing for a short, yet faithful time. Can this be cured or is it the way it's supposed to be? Regardless--It's the way that I am---even if I kid myself--or maybe because I do.

Posted by thepan17 at 7:18 PM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Monday, July 4, 2005 7:23 PM EDT
Saturday, April 30, 2005
It's Been a Long Time Coming
Mood:  a-ok
Hi. I'm not sure what to write now, and since I don't want to be talking about mundane current events, I go with a quiz that Mama sent me today on e-mail. Although the questions are usually about superficial things, they can be revealing about a person's core and they can be semi-fun to read. I like reading Miaka's blog because she does these quizzes every so often too and it is a quick and sometimes warm get-to-know-you type thing.

Still Word Freak (I halted recently out of necessity really) and Decorating With Color (just looking at the pictures in this one)'cause like Mama, I'm moving next month!! he hehe! I also got pulled into How to Take Good Travel Pictures. It has delightful portrait from all over the world, from a time when there were still a lot of variations in culture (the book was published in the seventies) Come to think of it, I would love to get the Time Life 100 years or 50 years photos. book. Thanks again, L, for giving me the B & N gift certificate!--and a shout out to God (or the Barnes and Noble/Starbucks CEO {sometimes it's hard to tell which one is in control out the two-LOL} for making this weekend Teacher's appreciation discount books week.

10:30pm EST

Whole 2005 calendar and a Song logo. (Song is a slightly more creative airline branch of Delta that I would recommend)


(Why, Scrabble! always, and more than ever, now)

Adbusters (and here I did an ad for Song in number 3!) "Colors" is also an intriguing mag.

maybes :) Not now, though!!!!

An adult male speaking voice that is a tenor (the voice of Mickey Dolenz is one example)I also started liking corse male voices a couple of years ago.
My favorite sound might be tied with one I just heard for the first time tonight. It is a sound made when hitting a metal bowl with a wooden stick like object. This metal bowl was specially made to make this vibration and the most similar thing I can relate this experience to is hearing a tuning fork (sorry, I don't know which note it was) I not only heard the sound but also subtly felt it physically.

helplessness (worst instance- seeing a dearest loved one suffer)

I want to sleep more (no matter how much I got!)

about 3

Brendon--and the girl? (if I have one)maybe Lea or Leah, but I haven't discussed the girl's name with the one who would be the father!

sea green (Crayola crayons does a nice version of it-and that's when I first saw it--as a toddler)

growth--but I want to make the most important thing love, so I can work to change the priority

either guacamole and chips or malted milkball ice cream--hard to choose

the pan flute

only in rare bursting moments of getting this overwhelming free feeling on the highway (It has happened like twice or three times in my life) The other times it was driving fast out of purpose to get somewhere, but I've stopped doing that.

no but Bozo, my clown, and Be-bo, his long lost and less travel-weary twin, is right on top of the bedroom TV.


--but cool at first if they are snowstorms, because 1) it's pretty and 2) it allows me to go home early from work (SNOOOOOW DAYYYY!)

A Saturn (Uncle D. leased it with me and the service/price was so great I subsequently got two more!)

I'd say Daddy but he came back to talk with me when I wanted, so I'll say Brian of Sterling Heights, my childhood companion who is probably still alive, but he moved away (he told me ahead of time but I didn't want to face it until I was older) and our friendship ceased because, being five, we didn't know how to long-distance network.

None. Don't even get me effin started!! I hate alcohol and all the other drugs with more passion than anything (unfortunately), not only because of it's bitter taste, but mostly because it is one of the most extreme examples of things on earth besides weapons that are tools for people to misspend their own lives, or little chunks of their lives at least, especially on the nights and weekends (the best, most sacred times).

At the same time, after writing even more violent rants about alcohol use (and to me, I call most alcohol use, ABUSE), I erased it because I can now write with most sincerity that in my anger and frustration on the subject a flood of clarity came to me as to why people do such things and how they did in a way not choose their faults, and how even the so-called worst really still mean to do their best. I guess you can call it a moment of compassion. I really want to understand addiction and probably by the grace of God I, in a split second, feel I have received some heart-felt reasons around it now. This is a bit of the movement toward the forgiveness I seek so that hating alcohol doesn't become MY drug!!

I don't even want to try to remember the long list of junk items in that trunk.LOL


The one I am in (a teacher to convicts), plus a playwright (which I plan on realizing in the near future) I also would love to combine the two disciplines to become a type of director of recreational performance art therapy. In this way With this job I could cover the James Redfield thing of melding both of my parents' talents. My Mama is the best caretaker I've met, and my Dad was awesome at making people feel special, being cheerful and celebrating with them/having fun.

As a museful gesture--throw in the photojournalism or filmin job that moves people to see their souls-in case I come accross it

Or an acting job in a role that is diginfied, yet moving--or one that allows another character to demonstrate such (but it looks like I cut off the acting possibilities a few years ago)

Lastly, I wouldn't mind singing again--I love it--especially when working with quirky yet very self-aware musicians and all artists

I may be for the first time in my current relationship, and wish to fall in love with him over and over and more deeply than before

half full

"Red" AKA "Trois Couleurs Rouge" by the late Krzysztof Kieslowski

Yes, except the numbers and sometimes the period

Some of my overflowing books may have slipped under there



Scrabble All Stars on ESPN

I know most will say it's not a sport, but I'm a pioneer! LOL Look at golf! LMAO (Sorry, Uncle Bob)

If you pin me down to a traditional sport, it's ice hockey--fast and furious


Mama has great taste (especially in offspring! JK)

In some hot or warm springs nature site (probably impossible--they are all inside national parks, right?) where sulphur is not one of the elements. It would be a dome house running on solar energy and the running water would obviously be loooooovely and relaxing with all its minerals!!!.

my black disco jumpsuit---- or what I jokingly call my Bruce lee shirt (It is black and fitting with a white stripe going down each arm) I also like my green/gold sheen stretchy t-shirt and the sparkly silver/green shirt L got me a few Christmases ago.

All of them at different times--with equal pleasure if appropriate for the situation

both, but if I had to choose, we would have to go back to "Flinstone" days in exchange for great art. (Whatever happened to the slogan "You gotta have art?" Worse, where has the concept gone in our society and schools/institutions?



"thangs" (or at least that's one word for it)

(c'mon! Everything else (plus a couple of things more, MY gender has!--so how would anything else be both desireable and exclusive to the opposite sex?)


41. Last cd you bought?
The Tipping Point by the Roots
I also look forward to buying the next Chinese Happy work

42. Favorite place to be massaged?
my back

heart, then mind, then body--but ideally all in balance for a healthful spirit

as late as possible--that's usually 8:15-8:30 am on work days--yes, I'm getting later and later- YIKES!

45. Favorite kitchen item?
blender or juicer--but I rarely use them :(!

46. What makes you really angry?
First is feeling that I have to put up with someone "acting a fool" (usually out of their arrogance or lack of self-discipline/self-care)I know that I don't usually have to watch or participate in it, but I sometimes forget and get hooked into the moment--it is a "show" after all--like the flood of reality TV shows as a public example--but worst of all, my real life when I react, annoyed and brought to near tears by my closest loved ones.

Second is malicious or self-serving gossip/lies (you will find that gossip and lies are one in the same because they never honor another's or one's own true self).

something in the middle--sorry to be difficult-it's the rebel in me :) Also, public transportation is my first choice if convenient.

In my fantasy world, it would be public ( I could read...:) ) transportation that didn't harm the environment our planet's residents in any way--


early summer

to fly--I already believe this is possible, but I haven't gotten a hold of Brian (another Brian whom I lost touch with after univeristy) I'm pretty sure he knows, and he may be willing and able to explain. Chances are he won't reveal where he is living. I last heard (a couple of years ago) he may have been in Chicago. He disappeared from all lists and databases and even cut contact with his seemingly closest friend and college roommate. This genius with whom I went to high school but never met there, and later, college (where we became great buddies) would be the other person from my past I'd like to talk with and check on too.

If I do you wouldn't see it by looking, so HA!

only tasks at this time :)

Either my 18th or my 16th birthdays. Day of the week?--Saturday.

Sushi, but I quit for fear of the evil and disgusting tapeworm. YUCK! Also--darn you to Gary Null for frightening me on his health radio show-if he's wrong I will have missed out big time!!!


the Simpsons or King of the Hill, but I don't make it a point to watch them, so I've gone off cartoons I guess.


Mama's (and formerly Grandma's) Tacos--
they come from my dad's side of the family and are known for their unusual ingredient which gives them the best flavor!


1)The Sequoyah trees in California

2)The Swiss Alps in winter
3)The Swiss Alps in summer--again:)

4)Also, I would take the one I'm doing in May. This is choice one really but since it is coming to fruition I don't have to list it as a wish!!!!!!--I'm looking forward to it a lot!!! Yippeeeeeeeee! :)Ok somebody stop me before I make you all sick.

No, but I love all living beings--even mean ones--but I love those from afar--That reminds me--I have to find a way to love Jose...

Well, if I can't, at least it rhymes

Posted by thepan17 at 12:37 AM EDT | Post Comment | Permalink
Updated: Saturday, November 19, 2005 6:24 PM EST

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