Mood:  not sure

Some time ago I had this dream that was so sad to me I couldn't even write privately in this blog about it.  Sifu was there, and it seemed so real.  It probably was (or a great projection of the connection I have had with myself in regards to him), as he has now been gone for nearly three years.  I hope he spends most of his time enjoying himself in the Jade palace, as they have informed me he has been able to be included. To learn this from Mike via instant message was such a surprise to me, with Sifu and Mike having split off the school from the Wu family.  

There was a time that my loyalty to my second teacher, Sifu, would never have waivered.  I however, a few years ago, felt there was no other choice but to declare to myself (and probably, to the community ) that I would go back with my original teacher and leave Sifu's school.  The reason I told myself was that to stay with the Wu Academy would keep me closer to family, as I see them.  My two friends have been there with me since the start.  We are still close. To me, they are family. They felt more at home with our first, other Sifu in her school.  That was the deciding factor that I could live with.

The other sifu at the Wu Academy may not have accepted me back.  She had never seemed to believe in me in my past.  In Asia, way back in late 90's, she was not hesitant to judge me for a party animal when I would go out late to explore with friends, even once with Paul.  Hell, I can hardly blame her.  What is it going to look like when one goes parasailing in Pataya Beach and then out in Bangkok for half the night?  I never drank then and still haven't now, but Sifu didn't know that.  She had even one time, privately, after having kicked me out of her school and then letting me into her office a couple weeks later ,half admitted to being a partier in her distant youth, saying that without training, she "would have died".  She really took the art form to heart.  'Til this day, from what I gather, it is her life.  

 We always think others are doing what we ourselves have done.  It really frustrated me back then and still maybe does now that Sifu thought I was a loose, party animal.  I know that the one who is now the Grandmaster had stories circulating that he was previously "playboy and gambler" and that he ended up overcoming that in order to teach the art form, so highly beneficial as water, to so many throughout the world.  Now we can look back and see that he has fulfilled and is continuing to carry out the plan of his father and ancestors.  Just one generation before, the form never would have been shared with "white devils", as Westerners were called.

  Sifu saw me in the bathroom the next day and she asked how my night went.  I was non specific, but let her know I went out in Bangkok with Paul.  She didn't know we were just friends. She must have assumed things happened that did really did not happen.

So, I have been upset with that sifu for awhile, because although she was right about seeing me as childish, I was more childlike back then than anything, and she was wrong in her assumptions.  She took me back into her school in the 90s when I explained to her that it was a true workout going to her classes, and that I appreciated all the information that she so passionately shared. She also didn't know much what to say when I asked her, Doesn't that book you go by say one should be like a child?  Things kind of went okay from there, because she married Sifu and he became my teacher after that.  He was always fair with me and almost kind. My friends, who left his school, could not say the same, but that had no affect on my reception of him. Sifu wanted to offer me words of praise at the Pan Am Games when he seemed not to be able to hold his surprise at my endurance in sparring wth someone many years my senior.  That is a moment I will always remember selfishly, but fondly.  I will also remember when it was certain I would be moving to Hudson County, and he said I would be missed.  He never talked like that.  He even showed me things to help myself, need be.  His trainings were a gift I will not ever stop honoring.  Also, I still haven't approached my first sifu to ask if I can resume training under her-- long distance.

After I moved, I visited my second sifu's branched-off school a few times and a moment I look back on with surprise until this day is him telling me my level had not dropped despite many years away. He gave me the uniform school sweatshirt during one visit and I still have it.   He even asked me to come to a martial arts disciples' class on what would have been my final visit.  He had me go to that class, even though I had not gone through the formalities. 

A few years ago, despite all that,  I still decided, at least in my mind, to go back to my original sifu.  She and my Sifu had divorced many years prior. Still, family was there and we were always instructed to prioritze our lives in this order: 1) family, 2)work, and then, the art form.  Perhaps, though, I was being selfish to decide to leave his school.  Maybe I also wanted to maintain international connections. There may have been another reason. Mike was his right-hand man, and Mike never pursued me like I had wished back in the late nineties.  Why should I have kept going somewhere to see someone whom I wanted but wouldn't have?  Oftentimes, Mike would give classes.  It just would have been too painful at the time.  I'm not sure Sifu was ever aware of my feelings for Mike, nor Mike's choice to entertain me for a short time in the past.

During my second trip to Asia, Mike was able to afford the trip too.  His mom was there and all. We were in a large group, and my two family- friends were with us.  It was a decent time.

By that trip, I had felt I had gotten over that whole idea of Mike and me, and besides, I had gotten engaged to Jason, and was about to move to be with him.   All of a sudden, Mike suprised me on the dance floor by asking if I wanted him to "shake my booty".  I was taken aback by my feelings and couldn't answer, so I just ran off.  It's a good thing I was able to keep my head on at least somewhat straight. I was about to move away, and even though Mike threw me for a loop, I kept remembering the time I saw him back with Sandy when my friends and I were at a gas station on the way to go out dancing.

In the short time that he and I spent together, Mike had made sure not to mislead me to think he would take it further, and I know he liked me, but now I think he was insecure about not having had much money.  I didn't care. I had enough of my own back then.  He didn't see that, or-if he did, maybe it didn't matter.  Maybe he just missed Sandy.  He did have a much longer history with her.  He told me in so many words that she wanted someone with money though, and I think that was why he couldn't justify staying with her, despite having seen her for some years.  He probably assumed I was like Sandy, wanting more and more.  I didn't make enough effort to show him that I earned a living just fine.  I could have even carried him for awhile.  Had he stuck with me, and had he taken the training path he is on today, we would have been very compatible and effective teachers of the art form in the area.

After the dance floor moment, my running placed me, to my surprise up right in front of Sandy's cabin--this was by chance, as I didn't know which one she was in.  My friends were there too. Sandy was at the door with it half open. I must have made a remark about how disappointing guys could be.  Sandy joked, "I think I'm going to become a nun".  I couldn't have agreed more.

So, Sifu died in '13 before I had the guts and opportunity to declare that I would be returning, although from a distance, to my first teacher and her school.  He probably would've been hurt by that, and he probably would've thought my skill would have been compromised.  

When he died, I had already moved to where I am now, and I was stuggling a lot in that year with my job where I eventually and essentially would get sacked .  Mike, for the first time in years, contacted me by instant messaging me on FB, and confirmed the public announcement for me, on top of all the tragedy that year , that Sifu had had a heart attack and passed quickly.  I was used to tears by then.  It was not shameful to tell Mike how much I was crying.  I really felt for Mike that night, and not selfishly.  He and Sifu were observed to be best friends for years. He admitted that he was crying too.

Mike had previously married a woman that my friends told me he was always beside after I moved, but when they would tell me this over time, they really thought she was a nun.  (LOL)  

I didn't have any intention of talking to Mike after that night of the instant messaging, but gave my regards and regrets that I would not be able to attend Sifu's funeral.  I was hurting so bad from that and other events that felt so horrible.  Mike must have sensed it, although I don't know how, as that was the first time we'd talked in years.  These difficult, personal things in my life were not advertised on FB either.  Mike typed "Hang in There".  How did he know?  That really helped.  He also described how he had to now be the head of the school and he expressed some fears about having to do this.  I said I knew he could do it.  He did add that the information was starting to "pour out" of him. I figured that the ancestors were and are doing what they do best. We ended the conversation and haven't said anything since.  He closed with, "You know, we all love you".  I didn't know how to respond.  So after a moment, I typed, "I love you all too".  We haven't chatted since.  I wouldn't want to interfere in a married man's life, given that I am aware of it.  I have no desire to anyway.  He didn't choose me. Last but not least, I have been with TL since '08.

So, maybe a year after that, I saw Sifu in a dream.  I wanted to go up to him and called out to him.  He just had a disappointed look on his face, turned and walked away. The alley was dark.  The dream was so sad that I couldn't even write about it until today.  I didn't admit to myself that maybe Sifu, even though on the other side, knew I was leaving his school. What was I supposed to do, Sifu?  Go in front of Mike again ?  I'm not sure if Sifu ever knew that Mike paid me some attention and that we spent some close time together a few times way back.  We were always so busy training.  The school was no place to discuss social stuff nor get too involved in relationships.  Sifu was so embarrassed to have fallen in love with my other sifu, because at the time, as he would many years later recount to us, she was a student of his.  He would talk about that and how it wasn't the thing to do, nor the reason to train.  They married, so it all turned out okay, and her seriousness toward the art form seemed even more intense than his.   It is no wonder she opened up a school at our now, Grandmaster's urging.  It is also no wonder that her school still thrives and that there are disciples coming from there, and maybe, by now, disciples of her disciples.  My friends agreed to talk to Sifu for me to ask if I could return as her student, abeit, long distance, as I have no intention to move back home.  Still, I don't think my friends have gone back to class much in a few years.  It is okay.  I don't feel like I've brushed up enough, and besides, I couldn't offer li see right now as a thank you for her guidance.  I don't have any red envelopes since I moved here.  Things just aren't nearly as abundant anymore.  This is frustrating, as I've now been here for nearly eight years.  Now I understand how Mike may have felt. One day, though, he said he decided to give up poverty. Eventually, he did get out of it.  Anyone can do it.  I have everything I need, but I deserve more.  Travelling to see my Mama when I please would be great. She is suffering to see me so seldom, and she is no spring chicken. Eating healthier foods would be beneficial too. Okay- I'll say that I'm still a dessert freak, so maybe I just need to spend my money on real food and deal with not having the junk. lol! Worst of all, as much as I haven't wanted to face it, a second car is in order. Not sure how I'm going to pay extra mileage racking up on my lease.  Right now, I just don't know how another car will happen.

 I would also like to buy materals for my students (who are way worse off than I am) beyond the little 150 I get per year from the school.  This sucks, but I know I can turn it around.  TL is getting some gigs too and is not satisfied with just a little.  He can help. Plus, there's always crowd funding.

Now, the good news.  A couple of nights ago, I was with Sifu again.  This time, I wonder if we were outside the Jade Palace?  There was a game there, kind of like Mah Jong, as now, I remember in my waking life, is always kept in a school of martial arts.  It makes it official in a sort of way.  I begged Sifu to play, as I felt it was like my favorite word game.  He reluctantly played a bit, and I don't think I played as much and as well as I would have liked.  This is a reflection of how I am not training nearly as often or as effectively as I would like.  I haven't for years and years, even when Sifu said my level hadn't dropped.  What kind of discipline is this?  I must forgive myself and keep going from here, though.  Then, I can honor what Sifu has done for me and enrich my own life, hopefully having enough spill over for others.  At least, he interacted with me this time, and it is clear that my choice is not to reject him as my teacher.  That was never my goal.  Of course, it is convenient that the Grandmaster decided to make amends, reunify his federation of schools with the Detroit Wu Academy (the School sifu had started which used to be the Michigan Tai Chi Institute) and put Sifu's photo on the table, naming him a master of their branch of Wu Style Tai Chi Chuan.  He is the first Westerner to ever have disciples in his school, what's more- to be named a master of the art form.  His dedication to the integrity of the form and to his students was unwaivering.  For this reason, I don't claim to be courageous.  It is nice to neither be a traitor of sorts by returning to my other Sifu's school if I decide to officially do that eventually.  It's not like I was named any Sifu's martial arts disciple.  My friends were, but the first sifu still accepted them back into her school.  My path was different.  The one who is now the head of the family told me in front of Sifu (his own disciple) right before I moved to NJ that when I started a school, then I would make discipleship.  I never let myself think about what that meant.  They didn't ask the same of my friends.  I realize now that they must have thought I was the one to do it.  Me?  

 I now see that maybe that is why strangers would periodically come up to me asking to train with me. This even happened once years ago in a grocery store in NJ.  In recent months, this kid from a coffee shop near where I work was really gung-ho on asking me to show him some stuff. He soaked up those warm-ups like no one I had ever seen.  He told me his back was feeling so much better because of it, and wanted more.  I wasn't sure about the time dedicaton.  He recently moved, so that is on hold, giving me time to "get it together".  Maybe, in that small town, with some of the connections available, there is an extra room to start giving classes some nights, or maybe I can start small and teach one class at the recreation center.  This is the first time I've said this to myself in words.

This is way too long and still ongoing.  I had to get these things off my chest before Monday, as Sifu always taught us to let go of past resentments before the lunar new year turns.  I have to clean this place too, and get rid of things I don't use.   My friends say that our first sifu, the one who may still think I'm wild, has "mellowed out" over the years, and I am letting go of this resentment.   Most of all, we come to self- forgiveness for the umpteenth time.  I have to let go of all my self- hatred for falling for these Mikes.  It may not have served matters much, but, however cliché this sounds, the heart could not make such choices.  Here, I will start by accepting my shortcomings and in that, not letting them define me.  Maybe I will even train once in a while.